Thursday, June 16th
2:30pm, Somewhere in the West of Ireland, 2016.
Dear Reader,
Remember Hocus Pocus?
That was such a good movie. Why didn’t I watch that instead…?
It’s no secret that I
love watching Horror movies. I love knowing that something wicked this way comes, and it’s going to jump out in
front of me, yet I still scream like it was a complete surprise the whole time.
I love scolding the people behind the screen for going to investigate that
strange noise coming from the basement (Just
call somebody and get out of there!) Most of all, I love aggressively cheering on the protagonist when they finally
stab the masked murderer, or perform an exorcism on their possessed loved one.
I say all this, but no
horror movie has ever made me wake up
at 3:07 3 in the morning and kept me awake all night like The Conjuring 2 did a few nights ago. I
mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved it.
It grabbed my attention right from the very start and up until the very end
too. It was just as good, if not better than the first movie, and it was scarier. And I don’t want to tell you
anything about it. I want you to go and see it, and if it happens that you wake
up at 3:07* because of ghosts in your dreams, then you can come back here for a
step by step guide on how to survive a sleepless night of this kind.
*It was not actually 3:07 when
I woke up, so don’t be alarmed. Also, if you understood that 3:07 was a
reference to the first Conjuring movie then yay, please be my friend!;)
Let’s do this.
1)
Put that maroon smock dress that’s
hanging over your wardrobe back inside your wardrobe so it won’t escape, because
in the dark, it resembles a ghost. (Obviously)
Find an array of dresses you used to wear to nightclubs when you
were eighteen, because when you were eighteen, nightclubs were your thing, especially the awful ones
where the smoke machine created a thick fog around the dancefloor so that the
shadows of those unknown creepy stares and the friendly faces you knew from
playschool were indistinguishable.
Those nightclubs, where the remixes were remixed
so you didn’t recognise most of the songs you danced to. And even despite the
fog and the remixes, you loved those
nights. You lived for them, because
it’s where everyone went on a Saturday night for some reason, and you always
had fun because it only mattered that you were with your friends, not where you
were.
Stroke each dress and remember:
Pink and black lace for a friend’s birthday, bronze sequins for
getting to know your creative writing pals, cascading olive green to celebrate
the end of exams.
Sigh, and consider giving these dresses away.
Laugh, because you know it will never happen.
2)
Netflix is essential. If you don’t have Netflix, download it. If
you don’t want to pay for it, delete your account after 27 days. For now,
Netflix is essential.
Watch a television series called How To Get Away With Murder, and realise that you’re not that into
the plot, but the actors are cute and talented, and it’s fun to imagine your
college professor having that much sass.
Start to wonder if you might have a problem with committing to
TV Shows because it’s not like you’re really watching them when you watch them.
You’re glancing at your phone now and then, and worrying that whatever you’re
watching, is much better than, and too similar to a short story you wrote once
upon a time.
3)
Find a collection of private letters you wrote to people in 2013/14,
with no intention whatsoever of actually sending them.
Read the letter you
wrote to a guy you dated in a blast from the past; 2 pages describing blinding attractiveness,
and not even a whole page to describe personality or common interests or real
reasons to date someone.
Start to wonder what the hell you were thinking.
Question why you ever liked him in the first place.
Tell yourself that it was an exaggerated façade that would not
have lasted.
Give yourself a pat on the back when you realise that you’ve
learned a lot and grown as a person since then.
Gush over the letters you wrote for the friends you weren’t that
close to, but still really liked.
Consider yourself so lucky now that they are your close friends, who still glow with the redeeming qualities
you mentioned in your letters.
4)
Trek mindlessly through your twitter feed, only to discover that
most of the accounts you follow are from News’ websites.
Ask yourself if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Sigh in sadness through survival stories from the mass shooting
in Orlando.
Gasp, with a hand over your heart as you think about that poor
little boy in Paris who is now an orphan.
Remember that some time you must watch that movie recommended to
you by a friend, about child soldiers in Africa.
Curse the world for being so messed up.
But acknowledge that it’s good to stay informed about its
happenings.
Simultaneously consider to follow other alternative twitter
accounts in order to avoid this serial heartbreak.
Or at least, reduce it to semi-frequent heartbreak.
5)
Listen to Twenty one
Pilots, because there’s never a bad time to listen to Twenty one Pilots.
Listen to Ode to Sleep, because
it’s so relevant right now.
6)
Take out your earphones and open the curtains, because you’ve
just noticed the light trying to peek in behind them.
Sigh and listen to the birds you were oblivious to for the past
hour when you were listening to Twenty
one Pilots.
7)
Check your mirror a few times to make sure that you’re the only
person in the room.
Laugh at the lipstick scribblings your best friend drew on there
on New Year’s Eve of 2013.
Shake your head, knowing that you’re still never going to wipe
them off because you never use that mirror anyway. The lighting is too dark.
Reminisce over that night, because it was one of the few New
Year’s Eves you enjoyed.
You and two of your best friends had a chilled night in a bar, laughing
and writing messages on the drink coasters.
Other years, strangers spilled beer in your hair, and you got
nervous being stuck is such large crowds.
You hated the pressures of New Years’ Resolutions and having to
make yourself a better person, when really, there was nothing wrong with still
watching re-runs of Friends all the
time.
Wonder where that lipstick went to.
8)
Count all of the photo booth pictures that were taken and
collected during nights out over the past three years.
41
Suddenly feel the weight of all those late nights.
Go back to bed.
9)
Try to sleep. (But it won’t work)
Re-discover your videos folder on your laptop with 70 videos in
it of you being silly with your friends.
That time three of the guys came to visit you in Paris.
And so did your best friend, and the guys had no idea that she
was coming so you got to surprise them outside of the metro.
That time you were in the car with your creative writing
friends, and the music in the back seat was too loud, so the video is just you
with your hands over your ears, looking terrified.
That time you went to see Florence
& the Machine live in Dublin and you sang along to every word.
10)
Finally decide that you should just get up and go downstairs.
Think that you are deserving of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough
ice-cream for breakfast…
Yes, yes you are.
Download an old episode of Desperate Housewives on the TV, and
watch it with droopy eyelids, and in between spoons of ice-cream.
Finish the ice-cream.
Hear your Mam boiling the kettle and rattling with plates in the
kitchen.
Know that there’s absolutely no way that it could be a ghost, so
you
fall asleep
(At last)
*Results
may vary
Ciao,
Madame Mayreed x
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